Updated: Nov 12, 2019
I have always known that it is possible to be in a relationship where everyday feels like a complete bliss. Where the only thing You feel each day is love and harmony. There is no single moment of resentment or anger. Each time I look at my partner, I see, that the love I feel for him goes far beyond the physical and personal level. It is the love in the universal level. The only thing he does, is showing me how much love I carry inside of me, by loving me with everything I have, without a single attempt to change me. I do the same for him. I told him in the beginning of our relationship: "You are my Unicorn. I have always known they exist, but I never knew that I would meet one".
I was the woman who always attracted bad boys. Every relationship I had for 20 years was a constant fighting of the egos. Relationships that were dominated by fear, bringing jealousy, control, cheating and lies, domination and competition, of who can hurt the other more. Suffering day after day, with some good moments in between. With each relationship I kept thinking that this one will be different. Well, it wasn't. It was always the same.
“All of these relationships finally brought me to a place where I realised that enough is enough. I couldn't carry on for one moment like this. I was 35 years old and a realised that a change needs to happen, or I will not survive.
I kept thinking why can't I have a beautiful and harmonius relationship, don't I deserve that? But at that moment I didn't, because I would have destroyed that good relationship completely, because of my own insecurities.
All of these relationships finally brought me to a place where I realised that enough is enough. I couldn't carry on for one moment like this. I was 35 years old and I made a decision that things needs to change, or I will not survive this.
And then out of nowhere I was given a chance to be with someone that was good, really really good. How amazing it was to experince that. But the sad thing I had to face a few months later, was that I wasn't ready for a relationship like that. Because all that needed to be healed inside of me, was still there. As I realised this, I understood that it was time to start the work.
It took me 1,5 years of intense work, looking at every angle of my psychology and then the next 1.5 years, still refining the subtle corners. After 3 years I was finally feeling like I was at peace. There will always be small things that come up from time to time, but compared to where I came from, these are nothing.
All that time I kept myself conciously away from relationship and there were times when I wasn't even sure if I need one anymore. That's how good I finally felt. For 20 years I didn't know how to be alone and now I was enjoying it so much.
I remember the first time we met. There wasn't a single moment when I ever looked at him that way. Work was the reason that had brought us together and that was the only thing I focused on. But when I look back at that time, I realise that for both of us, that moment of meeting triggered a huge growth and change within. When we met about 6 months later, a lot had changed in our lives. But it still wasn't time. Not yet. We both had to go through more changes that would prepare us for what was yet to come. Each time I had met him, I had thought: “ wow, this man is truly a deciple of though love”. That is what I called him also.
Another few months passed before we met again. And that time changed everything. I remember a moment when I was lying in bed and he came and asked if he can come and lay down with me. As we had become good friends, I saw no harm in it. While we were lying there and he was holding me in his arms, I was thinking, how is it possible that this feels so good. Because I had never felt any attraction towards him or any sexual desire. But that was the key. In my old days I would always go for men for whom I felt this supreficial sexual desire.
We came from completely different worlds. So different that I don't think I can even put this into words. I thought that we have nothing in common, well almost nothing. The only thing that we had in common, was the work we were doing.
More than a year ago when we met the first time, I had gone through a session myself with him and his friends that they were offering. It was a personal deep healing session. For me it was a moment of facing my deepest fears and became one of my biggest breakthrough moments in life. All that time he was holding me throught that session and when I opened my eyes, my first words were, seeing his face: "You are the best thing that ever happend to me. I love You so much". These were not the words coming from my conscious mind, because we had known each other just a couple of days at that time. But these were the words that came from my Higher Self and I had no idea, that what I had just said, would become my reality.
Over the next days after we shared moments of being in each others arms, I kept looking at him and thinking: how is it possible that I feel so good with him, he is not the kind of man I would ever look at in that way. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't because he wasn't good looking or smart. It's just that there was an idea in my head, how my perfect partner looks like and in my opinion, he just didn't match that picture. I can recall a moment, where I was walking behind him with my friend and she said: "He will make a very good man to some woman one day". My answer was: "He would be too good for me". And that was something deeply printed into my subconscious.
But soon came a night that would change everything. That wasn't the night when we made love the first time, not even close. It was a night where we were doing a healing ceremony with friends and all that was hiding within us, started to come to the surface. I still couldn't come into terms with this all. My conscious mind was fighting all the time. It's not possible that I like him so much. As he was caressing my body, I was thinking: how is it possible that this man has so much gentleness and so amazing hands. I remeberd the first hug he gave ma a year a go, patting me on my back like another man and I almost felt my lungs jump out. Was that really the same man?
Soon it was time for him to go back home. My mind was still blocking it strongly. I know I feel this way but this would never work. So I decided to put it aside. For the next few weeks we kept in touch and talked every day for hours. Getting to know each other more and more. And still we kept it on the distance, just on the friendly level. There had been no deeper physical intimacy between us yet, no kisses, no sex. I was glad it was this way. We had spent hours in each others arms, without lust, without jumping straight into bed and making it all complicated.
And then one day we stopped talking. For a few weeks we had almost no contact. It didn't feel bad or hard. Somehow I was even relieved. I thought that this might be the best outcome. As I kept telling myself that our relationship could never work.
Soon it was time for us to meet again. I had a plan prepared not to feed that energy anymore when we meet. I have to admit, that it was the hardest thing I've had to do. Every time I was in the same room with him, my body would scream for connection. But no, I was strong, I can handle this. Because nothing good can come out if it anyway.
I lasted for a day. Next morning I was sitting on the couch drinking tea and he put his hand on my leg. That was it, I couldn't do this anymore. I went and layed down with him and that moment was the beginning of the most beautiful journey.
I can remember a moment few weeks later when I was visiting him again. I was lying on the floor after we had made love. He was talking about smth and I was just looking at him, without hearing what he was saying, because I had just realised that in front of me was the most amazing man I had ever met. How could I have not noticed this before? Then I realised, I hadn't been interested in that before and he doesn't ever show what he truly carries inside. He just stays silently on the background. Just like that I knew: I love this man with all my heart and soul.
We have not been together very long, but in this time we have had to experience many hardships, a lot of intensity and huge change. This time showed me the nature of our relationship. Our love never shivered, we never turned on each other, we never had a single moment of anger or a single fight.
Each moment was always full of love, honesty and respect. And I know today, there is nothing I wouldn't do for this man. He is the love of my life.
Every day I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. And the funny thing is, we are more alike than we are different. Just because we have had different lives, doesn’t make us different. What we carry inside is exactly the same. We are like the two halves of one. Our values, our understandings, our behavior all is in harmony. And we both want the same things in life.
We accept each other exactly how we are and never try to change the other. I saw a movie recently and there was a sentence: "Relationship with You feels like being on a vacation all the time". I feel the same, like I am in a 5 star hotell, with the best service. There is nothing we can't talk about, there is never a place where we limit each others freedom and never a place where we put each other down. We only lift each other up.
I have realised that when You have a relationship like that, how much that adds to Your life. The support, the sharing, the love. I can't imagine anything better than this.
I wasn't just lucky to find an amazing man, I did the work within me, so I could be ready for that man when he arrives. I can see glimpses of a contract that we made lifetimes ago, in a very different reality. We promised each other to show the most beautiful love that was possible to experience as a human being.
Thank You My Love, thank You for each day and moment that we are together. I can not imagine ever being with a better man than You are. I am so greatful that I have the chance to share my life with You and love You every single day. Other men have only awakened the passion and the lust in me. With You I have come to know what love is.
I wish that every human being on this planet would have a chance to know what love truly is. Then we would have no more pain and suffering.
From the depths of my Soul,