A recent study showed that in the United States of America 70% of marriages end in divorce because of cheating. The number of divorces is high globally and surely cheating isn’t the reason for all divorces, but it is surely one of the main reasons. And it is a though topic often encountered in relationships.
At first I really wanted to call this story “Why men cheat?” but I was aptly reminded by someone – who is it that men cheat with? Women, of course. In our society men have been stamped with “cheating risk” in a way that it seems to be almost natural in the case of men and in all actuality women cheat just the same. They might not talk about it as loudly as some men though, because it isn’t encouraged for women in the same way. One of my clients told me that the easiest “prey” in a nightclub is a woman with a wedding ring. So let’s take a closer look at what might bring about such an unbalance in human relations.
First there is a certain type of people for whom cheating is a sort of a sport. Their hunting instinct is engaged, they enjoy each new conquest and it seems to be the most normal way of life for them. It usually is a coping mechanism to fill their internal emptiness. All their conquests remain short and superficial and they need constant external reassurance that they are wanted. Deep inside they’re scared of getting hurt so they protect themselves from actually letting someone get close to them. Opening yourself to someone to be close to them means being vulnerable which implies a risk of being hurt. It is very difficult to change anything in such a case, unless the person starts facing themselves one day and sees the effects they’re having on others and themselves.
Working as a therapist I’ve encountered many people, especially men, who say they cheated because they didn’t have a choice. Of course there is always a choice, but they made theirs based on fear, not love. Sexuality in their relationships has gone down usually. At the same time intimacy, closeness and love are what unite us – some of the most important aspects of our lives. I can’t stress enough the importance of closeness, intimacy and sex – something that has been completely downplayed in our society. When we leave these out of our life it is not just our partner who we’re hurting, but ourselves as well.
One cuddle from your loved one has the power to relieve all the days’ worries and stress. No other external thing is able to fill the gaps in our soul in such a way. And yet we still can feel lonelier in a relationship than we did when we were single. Why is it so? Because there is a lack of actual connection between us. The man and woman do not understand their parts in the relationship, nor of the role that the relation or marriage should play in their lives. Marriage is not meant for just having kids, buying a house, getting a mortgage and co-owning stuff and responsibilities. Somehow sex ends up being the last on the list while it should be the first. Here’s why:
A crooked blueprint
Let’s turn our attention to our family-model. One of Estonia's well known spiritual teachers Gunnar Aarma has said that the husband should be the wife’s first child. I’ll bring an example by and Russian author Anatoliy Nekrassov to further illustrate this idea. I had the luck of reading his book “Living Thoughts” when I had my first child. Nekrassov explains that for a happy family the model should be as follows: the man and woman each need to hold themselves as the most important. This means that self-sacrifice doesn’t bide well for the partner, home, children, etc. It is always important to be with yourself and do the things that make you happy, to keep your health and wellness. You have so much more to give others when you’re happy yourself. The next in line of importance should be the partner relationship. Here the women have a bigger part to play: the woman should hold both love and sexuality in the relationship. The third place according to Nekrassov goes to the home and the children take the fourth place of importance. When all preceding three positions are balanced the children will be happy anyway.
But what is it that usually happens in our relationships? Usually the biggest test is when we have our first child. This is where the woman stops being a woman and starts being 100% mother. The whole life starts being about the child. The man gets pushed aside and left without any love, closeness and sex. Imagine now if a man would come home one day with another woman and starts spending time with her and sleeping with her and asks her wife to move on to the couch at night. Exactly this tends to happen when the family gets a child. Most often women don’t see this perspective and this is the reason our common family-model produces so many unhappy men and thus also lonely women with small kids.
Men need feminine energy so they can soar, be happy and healthy. According to a survey men leave this life on average two years after their spouse has died and women on average ten years after their husband is gone. Men need our love, care and connection that sex creates between us when used in the right manner. Both men and women tend to use sex for emotional discharge in many cases. Tantric sex turns this around. Sexuality is raised to an important place in life for both, the man and woman aren’t focused on just pleasing themselves, but sex becomes a sharing of love and closeness. I’d say that one of the main reasons for cheating is the loss of this connection.
A reason to cheat for women is that the woman as a goddess wishes to be valued, admired, loved and worshipped. Men though tend to forget that women love with their ears. It is not enough for us to hear “I love you” once at the start of the relationship. Men forget that we like to get flowers and gifts because they make us feel remembered and worth an effort. Men forget that having children is a shared project and even if they work all day to support the family then they still have an important part to play for the woman to have time for herself aside from caring for the children and home. How else can she have time to be a Woman? Men should remember to take care of themselves just the same. No woman wishes to share love and affection with an overweight, sweaty drunk of a man. And it’s just as important to find opportunities for spending time together.
If we wish for a happy and a long-lasting relationship then I strongly suggest acknowledging the importance of sexuality in it. Relationships are fragile and crumble when we lack a true deep connection. When we can’t or aren’t brave enough to talk to our partner about sex or what is burdening us or just of what we actually need. Many people suppress themselves in a relationship because they fear admitting their true needs and standing with them. If I wish to have sex each day and my partner wishes to have sex once in a month then we stand at a challenge. Sacrificing oneself and suppressing your nature is not a good way to go and start affecting the person on other levels. It brings a state of constant discontent which leads to looking for a solution elsewhere. I always encourage my clients to talk with their partners and to calmly express their wishes and needs – not to let fear get a hold of them.
I’ve seen very few men who come to tantric courses with a purpose to broaden their playground options. Usually their wish is to be a better man for their woman. All that you would wish for your relationship start bringing it in first by yourself. Don’t wait for your partner to do it. If your relationship doesn’t change after that and your efforts aren’t valued then maybe it’s time for you to move on to some place where you are valued. My teacher always says that there’s no point in throwing pearls before swines.